Month: January 2016

I was walking the floor today and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this display. I literally had to do a double take.

Now maybe I over-think things, but by the looks of this PDQ, whoever pitched this advertising campaign was definitely male. Now I give him kudos for attempting to bring some semblance of positivity to the product he was pitching. Using #likeagirl is a great line, full of promise. But to try and look on the bright side of menstruation is just downright ridiculous. It’s the same as jock itch. There is no bright side. Ever.

Of course now my mind is racing with ideas. And I go way out into left field, imagining if this would go viral. But in an honest way. If this campaign was written by women, it might look more like this…

“Bleeding like a stuck pig today..”#FML#likeagirl.

“Bloated as hell…”#FML#likeagirl#periodmyass.

“SHIT!! Why did I wear white shorts today???” #FML#likeagirl#gunshotwound.

“These rag farts could clear out a stadium!!!” #FML#likeagirl#shitmydrawers.

“Cramps from hell. Just want to die.” #FML#likeagirl#poppingadvil#wishiwasdead.

As you see, this #likeagirl takes on a whole new meaning if you’re going to try and apply it to feminine protection and menstruation. There is no way you can sugar coat and make this fly with a entire gender that not only has to go through childbirth, but gets to hemorrhage every 28 days for 30 years.

And how is a maxi pad going to “mean amazing things”??? Maybe if you’re going to use them to mop up spills, or in some arts and crafts project. Maybe if your fucking McGyver. A pillow between my legs does not inspire me to do “amazing things.” The only thing amazing that ever happened to me during those 5 to 7 days (if you’re lucky), is that no one died. I’m sure some who dealt with me at this time wished for death. I’d say I’m sorry, but really I’m not. If you’re stupid enough to go toe to toe with a woman on her period, you deserve whatever you get. And then some.

That being a major ass kicking. You know, #likeagirl.  k

I’m not a huge football fan.

When I was younger I was. I loved to play it, and loved to watch it. For some reason, as I grow older, I can take it or leave it. That being said, Superbowl 50 is just around the corner and the fanatics are getting pumped. Me, not so much.

I highly doubt that I will watch this game. If the weathers decent, I’m going fishing. But if I did watch it, which I won’t, it would be for the commercials and maybe the halftime show.

And who do they have headlining for the 50th Superbowl???

Coldplay.

Yes, you heard me right. No, I didn’t stutter. The headliner is Coldplay.

What’s wrong with Coldplay??? Well absolutely nothing if they were playing any other show besides the Superbowl. Coldplay is too…mainstream. Coldplay is user friendly. Coldplay is safe.

And nobody I know want’s safe for the halftime show. Is Chris Martin going to jump up on his piano and throw some gang signs during “Sky Full Of Stars”??? Oh Chris, you little rebel, you. Maybe he’ll bring Adele onstage for a little montage duet thingy. People don’t want that shit. They want things exploding, screaming guitar riffs, dance moves that no normal human could do, and the showing of some nipple. Yes, I just referred to “Nipplegate”, the best publicity stunt ever created.

Now someone with half a brain realized this huge mistake that they made. It dawned on them that the halftime show of Superbowl 50 was going to be as family friendly as any show on Nickelodeon, or Disney. Someone had to call in some favors. Maybe sell their soul or give up their first born.

But the gods shined down upon us, and they fixed it.

They brought in Bruno Mars and Beyoncé. Now we have a headline worth watching for the highest rated show on television. Now there’s a chance for some major debacle or catastrophe to occur. And this is what we want. This is why at least fifty percent of the people watch the halftime show as opposed to doing other things, like going on a beer run or whatever.

So in my opinion the halftime show should have Beyoncé with top billing, followed by Bruno Mars, then Coldplay.

Because halftime should be a grand spectacle, not a night at the opera.

Unless you’re Queen. Now that would of been awesome.

Enjoy the show. k

Well, if you’re a white male musician in your 60’s it appears you have a bulls-eye on you’re back, compliments of the Grim Reaper.

He snagged another one yesterday.

Jimmie Bain, best known as the bassist for the heavy metal band’s Rainbow and Dio  passed away January 24, 2016. He was 68 years old.  The cause of death has yet to be confirmed.

For me, it hasn’t been a huge shock that any of these men have passed on. From what I have been able to determine, all reaped the benefits of being a rock star. I don’t know personally, I wasn’t there. But you can probably bet that they did things to their bodies that most normal humans can only dream of. I’m guessing just the amount spent on illegal drugs would have enabled them to purchase a small continent (Watch out Australia!!). Maybe two. It’s hard enough for an average body to keep going in this day and age, let alone one that’s been embalmed with alcohol and cocaine for most of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.

I can imagine there are many musicians out there going “WTF??? Am I next??? I was a total asshole back in my younger days. And I didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything because I was in a band. Hell, I could do whatever I wanted. I was young, virile, and invincible. Oh, and don’t forget about rich and famous. I know they told me I should take it easy, that all this partying would kill me, but c’mon…All that shit couldn’t come back and haunt me, could it???”

Surprise!!!

I guess what I’m saying is, if I were you guys, I would lock my sorry ass up inside my mansion and not come out until February 1st. Maybe longer. Wouldn’t want to be the one to test the waters. Old Mr. Reaper just might be getting started and you don’t want to take any chances. But he may set his sights on woman next month. Who knows ???

Or he could do the world a favor and target One Direction. Or Bieber. Or Swift. Now that would be EPIC !!!

Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she???  k

Well, I’ve been living in Florida going on four month’s.

I’ve witnessed many interesting things. And I’m sure there are many more to come.

But I have still yet to see an alligator.

I’ve been hinting around it. Still no alligator.

I ask, “Does Lake Parker have alligators??”  I am told,  “Yes. Lake Parker has alligators.”  “Will they come up on the shore???”I inquire. “Yes. They will come up on the shore.” is the response. “When can I go see an alligator???” I ask. “I will take you to Gatorland the next day off we have that it’s nice out.” I’m informed.

But I don’t want to see an alligator in a sanctuary!!!

That’s like going to Africa and hitting the local zoo to see a lion. Or going over to France and having a bottle of Napa Valley wine with your dinner.

I’ve been to a gazillion zoo’s. And the zoo is and always will be one of my favorite places on this planet. I don’t need to see an alligator at the zoo. I want to see one on his home turf. It’s not like I’m going to go up and try to capture it and bring it home. I won’t feed it. I don’t want to even pet it. I just want to see one in the wild. I think it’s a relatively simple request. Be thankful I hate Disneyworld. This is a hell of a lot cheaper.

So how ’bout it??? I’m looking for volunteers….any takers???  k

Why is it that one of my absolute favorite flavors is pseudo banana???

I love it in Runts. I love it in Laffy Taffy. I love it in Dum Dums. I love it in popsicles. I even love it in medicine.

And it doesn’t even taste like a real banana. It’s has a flavor all it’s own. I honestly can’t describe it. All that I know is that it’s yummy. And the same goes for watermelon. Real watermelon and pseudo watermelon taste totally different.

And blue raspberry??? There is no such animal. But when I was growing up the only Mr. Freeze to get was the blue raspberry. Who cares what it tastes like. (What does it taste like?) It’s BLUE for heaven’s sake!!! And blue tastes like…well, awesome!!! It could contain blue dye #54 that causes cancer in laboratory flies and we could care less.

I’m surprised there isn’t a pseudo banana flavored soda yet. I do know they have pseudo banana flavored liquor. (Which, by the way, is horrible. Just a heads up.) Pseudo banana pudding is pretty good. They tried to market a pseudo watermelon and pseudo blue raspberry pudding, but it didn’t go over so well. Those flavors were pretty much cornered by the yogurt market.

I also love the color. It’s such a pretty yellow. It’s definitely not the color of real bananas. The same goes with the color of cheese flavored foods. Why??? Cheese was never meant to be the color of safety orange. And there is no way on this planet you can eat a bag of Cheetos without leaving bright orange prints everywhere you go. Makes for difficult snacking.

And my point???

I really don’t have one. And it really doesn’t matter. And no, I’m not drunk.

Reason #398 why I like this so much more than my day job.

Have a great weekend, and keep your hands off the remote if you’ve been eating Cheetos. That’s nasty.  k

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you are aware that there has been a huge uproar as to the lack of any African American nominees at the Academy Awards in the main categories for the second year in a row.

So let’s break this down a bit, shall we???

Jada Pinkett-Smith is attempting to instigate a boycott of the Oscars this year. Her hubby, Will Smith failed to garner a nomination for Best Actor, even though he received a nomination at the Golden Globes. Now last time I checked, just because they nominate you at the Golden Globes does not automatically make you a shoe in for the Oscars. There would be no point in having both awards, now would there? I personally have yet to see “Concussion”, the film Smith was “snubbed” for. I’m sure it’s an excellent film. I also love Will Smith movies. “Men in Black” and “I Am Legend” are two of my personal favorites. That being said, I personally think it is ridiculous how much of a fuss is being made over this.

According to the Screen Actors Guild, only 13% of actors and 4% of directors are African American. That’s 17% in the “main” categories, for those of you keeping track at home. According to the 2014 US Census, it is estimated that 13.2% of the population is African American. I’m no math wizard, but those figures seem to balance fairly well.

And maybe, I’m going out on a limb here, but just maybe…the other nominees were better than you were. I know, hard to believe that you could of possibly missed out on a nomination because the committee felt that there were other performances out there more deserving in their eyes. That can’t be possible!!! They’re all a bunch of racist’s!!!

Seriously, KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Just because you don’t get your way doesn’t always have to do with the color of your skin. Or what sex you are. Or who you sleep with. This is so petty compared to real examples of discrimination. Rosa Parks?? That’s discrimination. You’re just spoiled. If you would use your talents and status to address some of the real problems facing African American’s instead of whining because you weren’t nominated for a trophy, there would be no need to write about this.

So in closing, all I have to say to the Smith’s, and anyone else who feels the need to boycott the Oscars, is grow up. You don’t hear about any Irish/German/Polish Americans complaining about how they were snubbed at the BET Awards, do you???

You can’t have it both ways.   k